Hello friends, and Happy 2019! It’s been a while since I’ve taken a breath, sat down, and written from the heart. Between work, the holidays, and taking time to travel, clearing my head has taken a spot on the back burner. Throughout my life, I’ve always been one to move as much as possible, both literally and figuratively. Often times my days and weeks were filled with multiple extracurricular activities, leaving every possible hour of my schedule accounted for. Even though my day could consist of running from soccer to ballet, changing in the car, and eating dinner at 10pm, I still managed to excel at school and graduate in the top of my class. After all, If I could do all these things and still “succeed”, then I must obviously know how to time manage and be efficient right?! This way of thinking and approaching life has carried on well into my adulthood as seen by the constant need to be doing and having been asked multiple times whether or not I am actually employed (yes in fact I do have a career, contrary to popular belief). However, as the years have gone by, I’ve found myself exhausted and burnt out mentally from running at this lightening speed pace. The thought of sitting still, doing nothing, and relaxing is still something I struggle to grasp, yet I know I need to master. But why is it that sitting still is such an uncomfortable thing for me at times? Could it be that this fast paced way of life has become a coping mechanism to avoid the fact that often times I struggle with loneliness and my own inner thoughts? That maybe I don’t have it all figured out just yet and that I’m still working on navigating the waters of my new life that is filled with so much exciting, yet scary changes? Or maybe that If I stop and sit long enough, I’ll have to come to terms with some things and really learn how to love and forgive myself…. Wow, isn’t that a little intense and completely overwhelming?
Over the past few days my social media was flooded with pictures and posts of friends and family reflecting back on their 2018 year. Many of these posts depicted collages of the highlights of the year ranging from engagements, to travels, pregnancy announcements, graduations, and weddings. It touched my heart seeing how happy everyone appeared and how 2018, for many, seemed to be a time filled with positivity and love. I began reflecting on my year and all that had occurred in these 12 months that seemed to fly by. For me, 2018 was a year filled with ups and downs, some experiences being the best of my life, while others the absolute worst. Sure, I had traveled more than most people ever do in their lifetime and I am lucky to have met some incredible people along the way, however, I couldn’t shake this feeling of sadness that accompanied my past year’s highlight reel. So much of the unrest has stemmed from difficult events that have truly tested who I am as a person and have caused me to reflect and grow on where I’ve been. I can honestly say that this year was one filled with transformation and some life events that have affected me in deep ways, both positive and negative. As someone who can be a borderline neurotic perfectionist, I often don’t handle change or the unknown well, let alone disappointment or rejection. I tend to get anxious when it feels as though I am failing at something or appear to be ‘less than”, leading to a downwards spiral of negative self talk, excessive sensitivity, and/or over analyzing events and interactions. I know that these are negative aspects of my personality and things that I have to consciously work at throughout my entire life in order to be healthy mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. However, I recognize that these flaws are what makes me who I am, and that the positive aspects of my personality are much stronger and brighter than the negative. I have a huge heart, would do almost anything for anyone, and am empathetic almost to a fault. I genuinely care; sometimes caring so much it can cause myself to hurt in the process. I put myself in other people’s shoes and make decisions based on how I would feel in the moment if the situation was reversed. I try to be a good friend at all times, although I admit that I can come up short and unintentionally hurt the ones I love most. Despite my flaws, I still try to show up every day being the best possible version of myself, willing to apologize, grow, and learn from my mistakes. These days I’m just taking it day by day, moment by moment, finding the light in the small things and appreciating the path I am on; hoping that I end up where I need to be and find my place in this cosmic universe.
Throughout the years I’ve found myself with some pretty “basic” resolutions that never seemed to come to fruition and were soon forgotten once winter melted into spring. These have ranged from, “I’m going to lose a ton of weight and look hot AF!”, to, “I’m going to get back into the dating game and find a decent man!” and everyone’s favorite, “I’m going to actually save money and get my finances in order!” (if anyone knows me well, let’s all laugh at that one while I check my bank account and cry). When I look back, I realized that these resolutions were merely me chasing after something in hopes that it would make me feel better, putting a temporary band aid on the hurt I felt subconsciously. What was it that I felt was lacking that a simple NYE resolution would magically fix? Surely this “void” was one that had been there for sometime, but I hadn’t acknowledged due to how busy I kept myself. Once I began to listen to my heart, slowing down, and having those uncomfortable conversations with myself I have always dreaded, I started to learn that I need me and my own self love most of all. I was the missing puzzle piece to my own happiness and the answers I’ve been looking for have been there all along. I am the ONE who is solely responsible for loving myself to the core and giving myself the unconditional love I so willingly and freely give to others. Learning how to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made and times when I’ve come up short for other people. How beautiful and liberating is that; Finally allowing myself to receive what I have always given away without reservation, yet couldn’t seem to accept for myself?
A near and dear person in my life, who also shares the same understanding of our “Higher Power”, recently reminded me to “Trust The Process” and learn to let go. For me, this is isn’t going to be an easy concept and one that I will need to work on every day and remind myself to practice. I am someone who finds comfort in controlling the things I can, knowing what is going to happen, and adequately preparing for every possible scenario. However, in order to move forward in this New Year and make way for blessings to come, I need to relinquish my fears of the unknown and actually learn to trust that the best is yet to come for me. If I can unconditionally love myself despite my flaws and accept that, in fact, I do deserve unconditional love in return, 2019 will be a year of fulfilled manifestations and peace. That all I have desperately needed is attainable after all, and that this person I’ve always dreamed to be has been here all along.
To all those reading this, I wish a New Year filled with happiness, laughter, love, and self discovery. May you all find the self love you need along your journey and trust that you are more than enough. Wishing you infinite love and light during these next 363 days.
Single In the New City 