Every so often there’s a song that you stumble upon that speaks directly to your heart. Maybe it’s lyrics that you need to hear in an exact moment in time, or a certain melody that strikes a chord, but along comes a song that you swear was put on Earth just for you. It’s almost as if the music itself was created by the Divine, sent down from a Higher Place, and delivered specifically to you in perfect timing. The artists who created the song seems to just, “know us”; as if they can read our deepest inner thoughts and feel exactly what we are feeling, capturing moments and emotions so perfectly. The feeling is indescribable when we feel a true connection to a song or artist who is speaking directly to us, delivering us a message that we need to hear, often unexpectedly. I am lucky enough to have had many moments like this, experiencing the gift of song so effortlessly and perfectly. In these moments I feel so overwhelmed, yet thankful for the power of music and the ability it has to heal the world. For me, music has been a source of inspiration, therapy, friendship, and clarity in the darkest of times. It has become one of the biggest blessing in my life, and it is as much a part of who I am as my eyes that allow me to see and my lungs that allow me to breathe. Although life has thrown me many curveballs and has shaken me up from time to time, one thing that remains constant is my love for music and those who create it.

Yesterday, during one of my many trips home as of late, I stumbled upon a song that inspired me to write this blog. Actually, better yet, a song found me knowing that I needed to hear a message and share my story in hopes to heal myself and others in the process. The song, to no ones surprise or even my own, is from my best gal pal, Ariana Grande, herself. Although I’ve been delving into her latest albums, and I have to admit that I’m already obsessed and see myself in so much of her writing as it is, there was one song in particular, for some odd reason or another, I hadn’t seemed to listen to quite yet. As I began to get ready and turned on Spotify, my usual routine prior to a night out, I was stopped dead in my tracks by a song called “get well soon”. I put down my contour kit and just listened in silence, blown away by her ability to deliver exactly what I needed to hear.

“This is for everybody
Babe, you gotta take care of your body,
Ain’t no time to deny it, that is why we talking about it
Yeah, we talking about it
So deal with it, don’t try to get by it
Ain’t no time to deny it
So we had to sit down and just write it

Want you to get better (woo!)
My life is so controlled by the what if’s
(Girl, what’s wrong with you? Come back down)
Is there anybody else whose mind does this, mmm?
(Girl, what’s wrong with you? Come back down)
Down, down, down, down
Is there such a ladder to get above this?
(Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down)
(Girl, what’s wrong with you? Come back down)
Maybe I should ground myself where the mud is
Before I’m gone”

It was as if the “Queen” herself was sitting across from me having a heart to heart talk during a girl’s night (I am literally envisioning myself and Ariana Grande drinking champagne in really nice fur coats and laughing and having deep conversations because we are best friends “kind of a thing”, ya know?! THIS IS WHAT BEST FRIENDS DO PEOPLE!)  After hearing her song and processing her lyrics, I took a really hard look in the mirror at myself and realized that in fact, I wasn’t well and haven’t been for a while now. The girl staring back at me looked sick, exhausted, and almost unrecognizable. The weight of what I had been feeling for so long had taken a toll on me physically and my glow and sparkle, that once was so apparent and palpable, had been dimmed out. I wasn’t me, and I knew that other people had noticed, but were too polite to say anything or get involved. After seeing how I looked after months of stress and anxiety, I knew it was time I started getting to the bottom of my issues and stopped avoiding the healing process, just hoping that in time things would magically get better. It was a hard moment, but I’m convinced that if Ariana Grande was inspired to write this song, there are many of us out here feeling and experiencing the same thing.

I would be lying to you all if I said that these past seven months of my life have been easy. Many life changes and large-scale events have occurred that have challenged and changed me in many ways, leaving me in a world of, “what if’s?” and, “what the hell have I done?”.  In fact, It would be accurate to say that these past six months of challenges and changes have been the hardest I’ve had to endure up to this point. I have cried and panicked more times than I can count and many nights I have stayed up with my mind racing, playing out every possible bad scenario and outcome to any given situation. Some days I was convinced that I was crazy and unsure if I could ever rise above feeling as if I was going to spiral out of control and lose my mind. It was almost as If I was living with a subconscious feeling of impending doom, and my body was running at full speed as a result. And when I wasn’t a ball of nerves, I felt unmotivated to do much of what I had previously loved to do. Working out and running outside no longer appealed to me and wasn’t feasible as winter in Chicago raged on and wind chills reached -20 at times (our lowest was -50 one day to put things into perspective). With my usual outlets for endorphins and self-reflection no longer an option, I felt as though I was drowning and alone. Hell, the sky was grey 90% of the time and in the rare case when it was sunny, standing outside in temperatures well below freezing sure didn’t appeal to me whatsoever! To say I was stuck in an emotional rut, would be a euphemism. I was struggling and almost every aspect of my life was being affected by this as a result. The negative feedback loop was in full swing and before I knew it, seven months had passed and I was still stuck in the same head space that was causing so much distress.

Although I have no formal diagnosis from a licensed medical or clinical professional (which I highly recommend going to as they are the ones who can provide services and diagnose), with great certainty I have come to the conclusion that I more than likely have anxiety and even components of depression/seasonal affective disorder. Winter has never been my season and mental health is something that I’ve struggled with in the past, but always just assumed that it was part of “who I was”. Throughout my life I’ve been told that I am “sensitive” or “emotional” or even have “neurotic tendencies” at times. I just assumed that yes, I am, “Emily, the girl who is super in touch with her emotions and apparently everyone else’s around her as well!”. I cry easily and for many reasons; when I’m frustrated, when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when someone is being nice to me, when I see others cry and I feel their pain, etc.  And while there is such blessing in being able to feel so much and be so connected to how I feel and how other’s feel,  there also comes a point where it can become self-destructive. After looking in the mirror yesterday and seeing how broken down I have become from how I’ve been feeling and how I’ve been talking to myself, I know that something has got to give. I need to start healing and getting on the road to wellness or else I will completely burn out and break down. I feel exhausted the majority of the time and as a result, I have struggled at work and within interpersonal relationships. I know that this isn’t healthy or honoring my highest good, and although I’ve been struggling for quite some time, it is never too late to get back on track.

Luckily, society has shifted to a more accepting stance towards mental health and the stigma towards people who are struggling has changed. No longer is it shameful to talk about your feelings and even seek help if necessary. It’s not uncommon to see a therapist anymore and in fact, I bet there are more people who receive professional services than we even realize. And although we’ve come so far (CAN I GET AN AMEN?!), we still have so much further to go. Despite the mental health reform that so desperately needs to occur and the attempts to cut funding from politics (don’t even get me started on that soap box, I will go on for hours), having a society that allows other’s to use their voice, speak out, and platform for change is making a difference. If celebrities and performers such as Lady Gaga, Ariana Grande, Chrissy Teigen, and Adele, just to name a few, have used their voices to speak out and share their stories in hopes to pave the way for others, you bet that there is space for us to speak out and share ours as well. Even in a world where we are taught to believe that other people, “have it all” and seem to have perfect lives, it would be that this isn’t quite so. We are human, and part of the human condition to struggle at times, even if it is within ourselves. However, when this becomes too much and takes on an overwhleming role, we are never “too human” to receive the help we need.

In many ways, this blog is the “Get Well Soon” card that I’m writing and sending to myself.  Just as we send these messages to our friends and families who are healing, why shouldn’t we start sending them to ourselves too? After all, healing the mind and soul is paramount to all. While I know that healing is a process and one that I will need to work towards every day, I know that If I don’t take steps to change and be willing to accept help when needed and offered, that this will only hinder my growth. And I know full well that I am not above receiving help, especially from those who want to see me succeed and be in a healthy place! To those of you who are reading, who find a little bit of themselves in my blog, please know that you are not alone. If anything, you have a friend and ally you can turn to.

Tonight marks the first night of commitment to healing. Positive words of affirmation, meditation, and a lavender Woodwick candle await for me when I get home. It doesn’t sound like much, but simple things make all the difference in my world. I’m opening my heart to this process with the intention of getting well again. After all, if I can’t give to myself and be kind to myself, how can I do onto others? Sure there will be ups and downs in this journey, but the greatest relationship I have in life is with myself. And if Ariana Grande can do it and come out on the other side despite all she’s endured, I know I can too ❤

With love and healing,

Emily