Dating in 2019…. well, what can I say? I hope you’re sitting down because this is going to be a long one!

An endless motion of swiping left, swiping right, making snap judgements on people based off of five profile pictures and a catchy bio. Setting ranges on potential matches including age, geographical distance, social preferences, height, body type, education level, or religion. Making sure your profile is “most swipe-worthy” and competitive against the thousands of other eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in your remote location. The endless question of, “How can I sell myself best to potential suitors? How can I seem cool and interesting enough to some one out there on their phone, deep in dating app land?”

Selfies? No selfies? Trying to look attractive but not TOO attractive as to scare people away. Are my pictures “good” enough? Do they reflect my fun-loving, free spirit personality? Why hasn’t anyone responded back to me? Did they lose interest, or was I just not interesting enough? I wonder if everyone else in this city is having terrible luck or if it’s just me and MY SHITTY PROFILE!

And let’s not forget our own judgements now; after all, the game goes both ways my kittens! The, “Ew, no swipe left!”,  “OMG.. the guy is holding a baby…. do you think that’s his kid or is he just a “cool uncle?”,  “His job, uhmmm not so sure about that…”, “I mean, he’s only 5’9, like I can’t even wear my good heels, nope that a left swipe!”  “Yikes, the guy is hot, but lives in the burbs?! Hmmmm… yeah not so sure that’ll work!”

Just about every kind of dating app imaginable exists out there, and you can just about find anything or any “type” that peaks your interest. Most single people I know, and even those who aren’t technically “single”, have at least one major dating app downloaded on their phone. We have Tinder, Bumble, The League, Hinge, Grinder, JSwipe, Coffee Meets Bagel, Match, OkCupid… the list goes on and on ad nauseam. And if there’s a market that’s currently untapped, you can bet that soon enough, there will be an app for that too. Tech gurus are capitalizing on single people’s loneliness, knowing that at the end of the day when we’re alone in our beds or drunk Saturday night, we will hit up an app looking for temporary gratification.  In fact, as I write this post, I have received two separate notifications from two separate apps… and yes I admit it, I have a few of the apps aforementioned.

For those of us still single in current society, all too often, hearing a story of our peers meeting authentically, without technology involved, has become a thing of the past. Long ago was the romantic story of how you could meet someone at the grocery store or library, or any other normal establishment and actually interact and fall in love. It’s a radical concept, I know, how did anyone ever meet anyone prior to apps?! And as much as I hate to admit it, technology dominates our lives in the twenty-first century; meaning that our means of dating have converted as a result. It would really be great finding my Prince Charming at Trader Joe’s, except for the fact that his AirPods are in and he is clearly isn’t noticing the damsel in distress before him, struggling on what kind of Almond Milk to purchase. It almost seems as though becoming a “Tinderella” would yield better results, so, alas, back to the apps I go! Swiping endlessly, and entering the black hole that is app based dating.

In my personal experience regarding dating in general, I have to admit, I do not thrive. I love going on dates and the thrill of meeting new people, but I am by no means out here in the big city killin’ it like a character from Sex And the City, (Although I do have a propensity for good shoes like Carrie Bradshaw). And I’m not saying this to be self-deprecating, I’m saying it because its 1000% true. Sure I’ve talked to a few guys here and there, have been on a couple dates in the past, but nothing of substance, or even a second date, has come to fruition. The only committed relationships I’ve engaged in were prior to my adult, post-graduate life, and even that seems like a lifetime and many bottles of champagne ago. Everything else in these past three years has been a slew of hot and cold, with an eventual fizzle out and lots of hurt feelings, or better yet the dreaded case of “ghosting” (can we all just agree that this is such a cop-out and that we need to start being honest with each other and not take the easy way out?! Alas, I digress…). A relationship expert I am not, but I do keep it very real when it comes to my experiences, both the good and bad.

I believe that everyone out there, regardless of whether or not you admit it or want to believe it, wants to eventually find their “person” in life. After all, isn’t there an age-old saying that, “There’s someone out there for everyone.”?  And in a society where we are constantly blasted with pictures on social media of “perfect couples” and the next best dating app around the corner, no wonder why we feel inadequate and pressure to find the right person, or even the right person for just the night (and to rip off the Taboo band-aid for everyone: yes some people use dating apps solely for sex. Welcome to 2019 where you can get anything you want with just a swipe of a finger, even if it’s just casual sex!). If we aren’t dating someone or have a serious relationship, we are constantly reminded of our singleness, and are often left wondering why we are inherently undesirable or if we will ever find someone…..

But that’s where the apps come in right?! They’re here for us with thousands of potential suitors just waiting to meet us! Happiness is just a swipe away, as long as you play your cards right and make an appealing enough profile. Before you know it you have matches,  and maybe even prospects to meet up and go on a date. Yes a date in public where you get dressed up nice and go for dinner/a drink and have good conversation with a person you find attractive (or at least their profile was attractive on the app!). You feel excited, on top of the world even, you ARE desirable and attractive and people DO like you! But what happens when you get ghosted afterwards, or the person who initiates the date doesn’t follow through, or doesn’t have good intentions for asking you out in the first place? The negative feedback loop begins, and before we know it our insecurities come creeping out of the woodwork: Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, too much of  this, not enough of that, “If I was more like her, then I wouldn’t have any of “my problems” and life would be easier”, etc. and every awful thing we were taught to feel about ourselves comes to play.

It’s a toxic and addictive mindset, and I refuse to feed into it anymore. Emotionally and mentally, I can’t engage in the cycle. The high involved, doesn’t mitigate the low, and it’s not serving my highest good playing games with myself and other people. I want to make it clear: by no means am I bashing dating apps and the potential they have for helping people find connections. More power to those who have found success or enjoy being on the apps; I support you wholeheartedly and I believe that everyone should do what’s in their best interest. However, for me and where I am in my life right now, I just cannot do them. I need to invest the time and energy that I’ve been using on apps on myself and making myself happy. By taking a step back and looking at my interactions with the apps, I’ve noticed a direct correlation between me feeling down about myself and my usage on the apps itself. Is it really that I want a relationship, or that I just the idea of someone filling a void and reassuring me that I am “good enough” to deserve love?  It’s instant gratification that is as fleeting as a cheap high on a Saturday night, and it’s about time I checked into self-love rehab. If there is any relationship that needs to be nurtured in my life, it’s my relationship with myself, which is so clearly lacking as evidence by this desire to be desired.

As of today, I’ve officially decided that I am in a full-blown, committed relationship with myself. I am my own “soul mate”, “boyfriend”, and “person” for this time being. I am responsible for gratifying myself and MY OWN  happiness is completely contingent upon ME. I am conducting myself with the utmost respect, telling myself kind words, and remembering all the positive aspects of myself. I am dating myself how I want to be dated and treating myself how I deserve to be treated, so that if or when the right person comes along, I will have a set of standards that I do not deviate from. After all, would I ever put up with a man who’s disrespectful, verbally abusive, or makes me feel lesser of a person, …. absolutely not HUNTY! And you shouldn’t either! So why would you ever allow the negative thoughts in your head dictate the way you think about yourself?!

When I get down and out, and that happens to the best of us from time to time,  I have to remind myself how many billions of people exist on this planet. Surely the right one will come across my path one day, when I least expect it, when the timing is right, and all of this will makes sense. I’m no mathematician, but I’m pretty sure statistically the odds are in my favor. And for those reading this who can relate and are feeling similarly, the odds are in your favor too. I have a feeling more people than not have felt this way at one time or another and that no one is immune to loneliness, even in the big city.

For now, my boyfriend and I are enjoying a glass of champagne on the couch on this cozy Sunday. The night will most likely consist of binge watching Game of Thrones, snuggling under warm blankets, and dinner catered by Postmates. We are listening to the new Ariana Grande albumb while writing, and the dress code tonight is strictly athleisure only. We will tell each other we love each other at least twice and probably even have a dance party at some point in time. “pete davidson” has come on random shuffle, which is a sign in itself that this is mean to be (for real though, the song had to have been sent from the Universe itself. It’s just too perfect not to have been).  And if/when the right person comes along, and he doesn’t appreciate Ariana Grande for the Queen she truly is, it’ll be a “thank u next” from me ❤