Hello Friends,

It’s Emily writing on Day 22-ish of lockdown from my 600 square foot Chicago apartment that I am currently hunkered down in (honestly it could be any day at this rate; they’ve all ran together in my world). My wardrobe now consists of mainly sweatpants and crewnecks, and I am surviving on Netflix, online shopping, and the occasional Postmates meal that I am ordering to support local businesses. Parks and running trails are closed and grocery stores are limiting how many people can be inside at once and how many supplies one individual can have (thanks to the people who hoarded toilet paper, Lysol wipes, and dry goods at the beginning of this mess….). Life as we know it for everyone has been completely turned upside-down thanks to COVID-19, and nearly every semblance of “normal” life has been changed to combat this global pandemic. It seems like long ago were the days where we could sit in restaurants with friends for a meal, enjoy vacations abroad, hug and kiss the ones we love, and where we weren’t afraid of strangers in our immediate proximity. Fear is a common feeling these days and it seems like no matter where we turn, talk of the virus is all consuming. It truly is unprecedented times we are living in and it feels as though I am living in a simulation for doomsday.

If you would have asked me month ago if I could envision a world in “lockdown” where life as we knew it would come to a halt due to a virus, I would have thought you were mad. Maybe I was idealistic to believe that our healthcare system in the United States was equipped to deal with such a rapidly spreading, and in some cases fatal, illness, or that hospitals themselves were ensured with enough protective equipment to keep our healthcare workers safe. Even though I know our healthcare system is very broken and very backwards and needs SERIOUS reform, I truly though that, “it couldn’t happen to us” here in the States.  Unfortunately, I was so wrong about so many things and those are just a few of the many things I was wrong about! Luckily for me and at this time, my hospital has remained relatively unscathed from serious COVID-19 cases. Fortunately, children by and large have yielded better outcomes than adults respectively; a phenomenon that scientist are still trying to understand. However, we are on alert at all times wearing protective equipment throughout our shifts and we prepared for the worst, treating everyone with respiratory symptoms as a potential COVID-19 positive case until proven otherwise by testing.

As life began to slowly strip away in efforts to “flatten the curve”, the initial shock of the new realities of a “Shelter In Place” lifestyle were difficult to navigate. The first few days of this regulated lifestyle that consists of staying at home and minimal outside or human interaction proved to be emotionally distressing and spiritually challenging. As someone who is extroverted, the concept of hunkering down alone in my apartment for an unknown amount of time was enough to cause me to panic. To make matters worse, the weather in Chicago was perpetually cold and gloomy and the luxury of a walk outside in fresh air was not a feasible option. It seemed as though my realities were to be limited to going to work as an “essential employee” and finding ways to keep myself busy in my small apartment. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. It seemed as though every aspect of my life was taken hostage by this virus and it was all encompassing. The gym and running trails were closed, my upcoming vacations were cancelled, I was separated from my family and friends, I hadn’t put on makeup for weeks and looked “feral” at best, and every conversation was dominated by COVID-19 and the “breaking news” surrounding the updates and rising death toll. I was on edge with everyone and I felt myself slowly slipping into a depression and I was living in the narrative where everything I had once looked forward to was dismantled and taken away from me like a punishment for some unbeknownst wrongdoing. My resilience was starting to rapidly chip away and I wasn’t sure how I would get through this lockdown period without completely falling apart.

I initially went into this past weekend feeling down and defeated. After all, I had 7 days consecutively off of work and I had planned to spend this time in California visiting friends, my significant other, and looking into potential career moves. In addition, my boyfriend had planned a wonderful weekend getaway in Palm Springs and our “first date” at Disneyland’s Food and Wine Festival on Sunday. I was looking forward to this trip to Los Angeles for months, and I was heartbroken that it could not come to fruition. In good concious to do our part to flatten the curve, we had to put our plans on hold for the greater good and “rain check” it for another time when life returns back to normal.

Dating long distance comes with a set challenges all on their own, but much of the “normal struggles” have been intensified due to our state’s respective lockdown initiatives and the sheer fact that regardless of our “wants” during this time, we simply cannot be together. It’s easy to get frustrated and defeated when the basis of the newly founded relationship has become dependent on increased, open-communication and having to learn about each other in a “crash course” fashion and by makeshift virtual dates.  Luckily we have found ways to remedy some of these issues and our planned Sunday Disney date was supplemented by a Zoom session over wine and charcuterie in our respective homes, while Disney tunes serenaded us in the background. We chose to make the most of our situation and dug into the importance of making time for each other daily, even though we can’t be together in person. Our conversations have deepened over this time spent apart and I can honestly say that we have faced and worked through many challenging times as a team and will hopefully leave this experience as a stronger and better unit.  This is a theme that rings familiar to so many as relationships have been tested and widespread events cancelled in order to stop the spread of the virus and to keep more people safe. Now more than ever, WE are truly being tested in our resilience not only as a society, but as individual people.

Although I have had to learn to adapt to this new lifestyle and the changes that have accompanied it, I have taken so many positives away from the scary time. I realize that I have so much to be thankful for and that I am truly lucky: I have my health, I have a career that makes a difference, I have a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator, my family is safe back home, and I have a wonderful support system. I have been literally forced to slow down and make time for myself and invest in self-care based routines such as face masks, DIY mani/pedis, daily meditation, and catching up on Netflix shows in my queue that I’ve shrugged off because I “didn’t have time”. I no longer take for granted the luxuries of my life that I had a month ago: running on Lake Shore Drive, hugging my friends, petting a random dog on the street, going out to restaurants and bars, going on vacation, and the privilege to say “no”  to an invitation to go out and be social (not that I ever did that before anyway!). I miss the ignorant bliss that my life once was and not feeling as though I’m a public threat for wearing scrubs outside of the hospital or even going outside my front door period. This time in isolation has caused me to lean into Face-timing with friends and reaching out intentionally to check up on people that I haven’t spoken to months. I am reconnecting and investing in my relationships instead of “staying busy” to escape and fill my days. I realize now more than ever how important human connection and interaction are and how vital it is to feel a sense of belonging amidst this mayhem that is currently plaguing our world. It is easy to get lonely and fearful during this time, especially with how unknown our future is and our sense of routine completely disrupted. However, I am hopeful that we are collectivley able to come out of this pandemic more grounded and appreciative for the lessons that it has taught us, the things that have been taken away, and that we can recognize what is truly important in life.

From here on out, I am going to consciously change my narrative to one of unbelievable gratitude and blessings.

I am navigating this Lockdown with appreciation for:

• Daily check in’s with my friends about our mental health
• Zoom meetings with my family that I normally wouldn’t get to see or reach out to regularly
• Dance parties in my apartment and artist’s releasing new music for us to enjoy
• Friend’s who continue to teach regular virtual yoga classes, halfway around the world
• Planned FaceTime dates and increased connectivity and communication
• Service workers who continue to go to work in order to keep essential businesses open
• Downtime to write more and be still with my thoughts (like this blog!)
• Wedding invitations that come in my mail that remind me how much I have to look forward to
• The 8pm cheering that occurs every night outside of my window to thank essential workers and bring together our community
• The promise of a better and more loving future
• A partner who truly puts in the work, even when I’m not easy or our relationship is  not the most conventional

 

These are just a few examples of things that I have taken away, and I know as time goes on the list will continue to grow. For now, I’m taking this day by day and minute by minute. I’m allowing myself to feel all of my feelings and sit with them, but not let them define how I see the world or my new reality. I hope all who read this find comfort and peace in the fact that we are all in this together. We’ve got this, and you know you always have a friend in me to turn to when things get tough ❤