What Unicorn Jammies Taught Me About Being Brave

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear”- Nelson Mandela

I know what you’re probably thinking, “What is the hell is Emily going to babble about this time and what do pajamas have to do with anything relevant?!” Well friends, I promise everything will come together in due time!

I’ve always considered myself to be an independent person, unafraid of going out on a limb and doing things my own way (cue female empowerment songs in the background like “I’m Every Woman” or “Independent Women” if you’re feeling sassy on this fine Friday evening). I live by the philosophy of “If not now, when?”, which has led me on some of the most beautiful, crazy adventures that I will forever treasure. Growing up without siblings, I realized from an early age that if I didn’t learn to be secure with being alone and doing much of life with just myself as my compass, then I would surely miss out on all that life has to offer. Since I would never have a built-in safety net that siblings often provide, I took on a sense of empowerment regarding my independence from being an only child, relying solely on myself to forge the way.  If I waited around for someone to “do life” with, whether it be a friend or significant other, I would watch once in a lifetime opportunities pass me by, and I could not have that! However, all too often this sense of bold self-sufficiency, almost to a fault at times, has led me to places and situations where I am completely vulnerable and solo. Which is where my lovely pajamas come into play….

I recently started my new job at Lurie Children’s Hospital as of a week ago. In fact, tonight will be my first night as a functioning nurse on the Pediatric ICU. To say that I am nervous, and overwhelmed is an understatement. Although I love children and have always dreamed of being a pediatric nurse, my experience caring for hospitalized children is non-existent, let alone interacting with parents whose child is critically ill. Coming from an adult ICU, I have experience with various interventions, medications, and physiologic understandings (and I am forever grateful for Barnes for preparing me to the best of my abilities and for shaping me into the RN I am today), but the pediatric world is a New World all in itself.  In a few short hours I will be walking into the unit hoping and praying that I am a good fit and that these next twelve weeks of orientation will facilitate exponential growth, leading me to become the best possible PICU RN I can be.

When I learned that the PICU was going to have a holiday party last night, I decided that it was a good idea to attend, as it would allow me to put names to faces and hopefully make a good impression to my future coworkers. After all, the holiday party was at a bar directly next to my apartment, and it would be silly of me not to go and use this as a good opportunity to get myself out there. And that’s when I learned that the party’s theme was “Holiday Spirit”. If you know me, you know that I use any and every excuse to dress up when there is a themed event (or a non-themed event, where I therefore make it an unofficial themed event because I can). Maybe it was all the years of sorority life that led to this affinity for playing dress up, or the fact that it’s just fun to wear ridiculous clothing at any given opportunity. After long deliberation, but mainly realizing that I had no other Holiday themed attire in my closet, I decided on my plush Christmas Onsie that depicts Santa Clause riding on a majestic unicorn in the sky.  Uncannily similar to the famous paining Napoleon Crossing the Alps, Santa wields a candy cane, ready to deliver his sack of toys to whoever is on his “Nice list” (low-key hoping I make the cut because I’ve been eyeing that Ugg Sherpa Blanket from Bed, Bath, & Beyond….). And to top it off, the butt pocket says “Don’t Stop Believing”. I’ve decided to attach a photo as a reference point and for your viewing pleasure to better envision me as the story goes on.

So here I am, ready to meet my new coworkers for the first time, in a bar with the general public, dressed to impress in these oh so stylish jammies. What’s the worst that can happen, am I right?!  Oh and I forgot to mention one little thing, despite my encouragement and pleas, none of my fellow new hires wanted to accompany me due to not actually knowing anyone who would be in attendance (which is 1000% OK and I would never want anyone to feel pressured to attend something that made them feel uncomfortable).  When I refer to my independence leading me to vulnerable situations, this is exactly what I meant, and boy does it create for some good stories.

Before heading into the bar, I had a minor panic attack. I envisioned myself akin to Elle Woods in Legally Blonde when she shows up dressed up to the Harvard Halloween Party as a Playboy bunny, despite the party being a non-costumed event. Granted, she was intentionally told to dress up so that everyone would get a laugh at her expense, but she did rock that pink bunny outfit and handle the mishap cleverly! What if I had read the flyer wrong and it wasn’t actually a dress up event; I just had taken the creative liberty to assume that it was? Or worse, it was a dress up event and I was the only one who actually dressed up, and no one would know who I was and assume that I was just a misplaced girl in a Onsie infiltrating their party. After talking myself off the ledge and taking a deep breath, I decided to enter the bar and put the best face forward. Luckily my apartment was a few steps away and I could retreat if things got awkward and I needed an escape route.

When making first impressions, I assume that things typically go a little more smooth than my course last night. Usually you have someone to help with your introduction and give you a little heads up on who’s who in the group. After mistakenly asking if one of our fellows was a nurse and my preceptor (to be fair she was extremely nice and said she was working tonight!), I decided to find whoever was organizing the event and give them the low down on their new hire, in hopes they introduce me to some of my 150+ coworkers, whose names I would inevitably forget, especially after a few cocktails. Sure, things were a little awkward at first, mainly because I was nervous to go up to groups of already established friends, interjecting  myself as the newbie in their already effortless conversations. Just as I was about to leave due to the overwhelming awkwardness I was feeling inside, my Higher Self told me to stay, despite not knowing a single soul in the bar. She reminded me that, “these people in this room will be your teammates soon enough and in due time you will rely on them to survive and navigate your new career.” In that moment realizing this to be True, I decide to stay, if only a little while longer, just to give it a chance.

Maybe it’s my background in sports, or my intrinsic desire to work amongst others, but I have always thrived when teamwork is an essential component to an activity. Healthcare in essence is a “team sport”. You rely on all members of the team, from the physicians, to techs, to fellow nurses, and pharmacists, to survive and keep your patient safe and provided for. In my 3.5 years of experience as a nurse, I have never gone a single shift without needing help,  nor has there been a shift where I have not helped out another coworker. We rely on each other for support, and we work toward a common goal of keeping our patients in the best possible state. These new faces are the ones who will be helping me in the middle of the night, when I am panicked and unsure of what to do when my patient takes a turn for the worse. They are going to be the ones to help and guide me when I care for my first intubated infant, my first pediatric code, and should the terrible situation arises, my first pediatric death. In turn, I will be there as well, helping and comforting, doing my due diligence as their teammate, providing them with the same level of support. I wanted to be present and let everyone know that I was ready to show up for them, even if that meant putting myself out there, scared to death, while wearing that ridiculous outfit last night.

As the night progressed and the vodka sodas began flowing, I was surprised at how nice everyone was and how much of a talking piece the Unicorn Onsie became. Luckily for me, some people even recognized me from various educational classes and walk troughs on the unit. Whether or not this is true, or that I just have a generic face that is often mistaken for other people, it made me feel more confident that in time I would find my place in the PICU and call this new unit Home. The longer I wore my magic jammies, the more unafraid I was to make a statement and be the “newbie”, unafraid to jump right in alongside everyone else (I’d like to think the vodka sodas helped too!). Ultimately, I would be spending my next years with these people and now was as good of a time as ever to make friends.

So here I am, in my apartment, nestled in my bed wearing the infamous Unicorn Onsie. I am preparing myself for the long night ahead and the unknown. It sounds crazy, but in a way these jammies have helped me gain a new sense of confidence. It takes a lot of courage to walk into room full of strangers and make a first impression solo, especially in a professional setting. I’m proud of myself for taking that leap of faith last night and putting myself out there, as it gives me the confidence to continue taking life head on. Regardless of tonight’s shift, I know that in the morning I can fall back into my bed and wear these jammies with the same smile I woke up with. And for that, I am extremely hopeful.